The girl that's fucked up
Mosquitoes repellant is used to ward away mosquitoes. Something most humans aren't found of. Sad to say, we don't have this for people we don't like,instead we simply just ignore them or tell them off and hope they get the message. Typically, people choose option A for me. I'm more of the type of person people just ignore and hope they take a hint. I've taken the hint a lot.
Whenever I talk to people, they like me, well at least I think they do. I don't know why but it seems like they do. However this isn't something that last for very long. From past experience we're good for about a week to two weeks and then they promptly cut all communication. I'm not the type of person that needs their friends to text and talk to them everyday, but I don't mind it. In the week or two that we are "friends" we talk everyday, all day. We talk about nonsense to what we would do if we were the last two people on earth. Now of course I don't do this with all my friends, it just happens with the new ones. I don't really mind it, I actually kind of like it. Makes me feel less alone.
Now I don't want to put down my current friends because they are a lot of who I am as a person and I don't know what I'd be without them, but it's not like I talk to them 24/7, I see them and talk to them whenever. And I don't expect them to talk to me all the time, that would be insane, but that doesn't take away from the times in which I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel lonely.
With these new friends, for some reason they like talking to me, it becomes almost a routine, even if we don't have shit to talk about, we still talk. But then, I guess they just get bored of me, and we stop talking every day, we just stop talking. That's how I know the difference between an acquaintance and a friend, because friends don't just leave.
My recent theory however shows that in between a week or two, I become annoying and lose any remnants of fun. I become the person that keeps texting you, the person that won't go away, so eventually I get it, I take a hint, and I stop. It's become a routine. How am I suppose to define what fun is if I'm not even a fun person. If I'm not even close to knowing what a good time is. I don't know how not to be "dry" and boring. I just become a nusciane, I become something that people don't want to be around.
Why am I so antisocial? Why don't I don't talk to people? It's not because I'm scared, but because I know it won't last. And I'm not one to waste my time.
The first time you see them, is the hardest. You are flooded with emotions that you don't know how to deal with. You've crossed a thresh hold from being together, and being each others "everything" to being almost strangers.
The second time is hard, but not as hard as the first. You recognize them, how different they look but not physically. In some ways you can see them happier, full of life. In others, they can be sulky, sadder. But either way, you convince yourself this is for the best. Whether you ended it or he did, you convince yourself it is for the better, because you will both be happier one day.
The third time is easier. You are past the shock of him, and you have seen how they have changed. Now, you look at the full picture. You see they're better, you see they've moved on, you see the truth in whats happened.
The fourth time, you just don't see him at all. Yes, you physically see him, but it doesn't register. Its like you're an empty vessel just standing, just staring at this guy you once loved walk past like a stranger. Yes, before that day you would've thought that would've been impossible to feel that way, but it isn't.
Why is it, that everything that I think about its traced back to this? Why does it all end up here? It ends up to this point of pure pitifulness.Whenever I raise my expectation, It always gets crushed down. Why do I have such high walls with my feelings? Because whenever I let them down it always come back and bites me in the ass. I try and convince myself of the things that I can't realize are true, but it never works. Instead I believe and I hope for the good, but it's never good.
I am delusional. I am killing myself with this 25% that just seems to keep getting bigger and bigger. I am overthinking all the time, I am hoping all the time, it literally does me no good. I'm convinced that there is a bigger meaning to it, but their isn't. It's all in my head. I convinced myself of something that I shouldn't, and now I have to rectify it. I was so blinded by the 25% and the hope it gave me, that I completely missed the big picture of it all. I completely missed every fact that there is about the situation. All I am is delusional. None of what I think is real, none of what I feel is reciprocated. Its all in my head.
I have diagnosed myself with the condition of overthinking.It's a condition that most teenage girls face, and sadly I have a severe case of it. When me and ex broke up, as you know, I was a wreck. So when he wanted to be friends,I wasn't very keen on the idea. It was too hard to be friends with him, because then everything he said or everything that happened I would overthink it. He would say one thing and I would think it meant another. I was feeding that 25% of me.
After about 3 days of trying out the friend thing, I eventually told him that I couldn't do it.
For some reason I never deleted our text thread, so this is exactly what I said: "Ik that to you this probably won't be a big deal or whatever, but we can't really be friends. You might think that you're just being nice and you are, its just I can't talk to you and be friends with you, because every step I take forward one day, I take two steps back when we talk. I want to try to move on from you and I can't if you compliment my photo or ask how Im doing because then I start to hope and think things that I shouldn't and there isn't a point to it. And it's not like I'm saying we have to be assholes to each other, we just can't do the whole friend thing." How pathetic. *Laughing emoji*
After I said that he was okay with it and we didn't talk afterwards. Well except for the occacional text he would send asking me a question about something that only I would know, but other than that, nothing. So imagine my surprise when I glance down at my phone and see a text from him. Now I didn't really know what to think, so of course my first reaction is to think that he texted me to brag about his new girlfriend or something (he's not the kind of guy to do that, my brain just goes straight for the worst case scenario).
Looking at the message he says "I have a question." Now of course my head now goes to the optimistic 25% of me, but then drops back down to the worst case scenario when he asks if I still have his hoodie.So now I'm thinking he's going to ask for it back to give to his new girlfriend.Now that wouldn't be awkward. But the answer is yes, I do. I wasn't sure how to give it back. After me stating this oh so fasciating fact, he some how moves to the topic of me looking different the last time he saw me at this fast food place. So I decide to play dumb saying I didn't see him. Then he says something that I didn't expect. He was hiding from me. Why? Why was he hiding from me? If anything I should've been hiding from him! He proceeds to tell me it was because he wasn't sure how to act since we weren't able to be friends. He had a point. Personally I wouldn't know what to do if I ran into someone that didn't want to be my friend. But anyways, I tell him that its okay. I was in a bad place when I said that and its okay if he wants to be friends.
Now I was expecting a lot of different things to happen after I said this, but him saying "Thank god" was not one of them. What the hell is that suppose to mean? Did he actually want to be friends with me?
Now here I am, overthinking this miniature statement and freaking myself out. Frankly this could all just be some random joke and I'll probably end up never talking to him again. But either way, I wouldn't even know how to be friends with my condition.
I'm not going to lie, it's been awhile since I can recall being completely and utterly happy with nothing bad that recently happened in my life. It's been awhile since I felt complete and felt happy to be me. Even though that's how it is
no natter what happens, no matter what I know, no matter how far I've come, feelings just fuck the shit up. Why, why does it do that? How come in my head I'm okay, in my head I'm so close to being over him, in my head he is the furthest thing, but once I see him, none of it fucking matters. Granted, I haven't seen him since we broke up, but still, I shouldn't have a mini heat attack and almost have a complete freak out the first time I see him. funny this is, I didn't even fully see him! I saw part of him in my peripheral vision, it's not like I saw him face to face but for some reason I still felt like I was going to through up.
I fucking hate this, I fucking this feeling shit. Even when I don't think I don't like him anymore, feelings come right back and bites me in the ass..
the funny fucked up thing is, I know for a fact he doesn't think about me anymore. I know for a fact he has moved on. And Ik he doesn't feel this kind of shit and it's makes it so much worse. I am so unbelievably pathetic for thinking this kind of stuff, and Ik he doesn't. He wastes no time on me and I don't know why I do on him.
Ever since my little ass deflation, I've been just trying to be happy and positive. Embrace it and try and love what I have, hoping that It will get better. But now when I see it, It looks deflated. It looks disgusting in my eyes. It looks average. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being average, but I went from above average now to average. It was a demotion, and I still feel like shit about it. I know that it probably sounds so unbelievably trivial and stupid that I care about this and that something as small as ass size is making me feel like this, but it does. It makes me feel like I no longer matter. That I am yet again replaceable, that I am no different from anyone else in this world.
When I was younger, I had this friend. I considered him to be one of my best friends in the world. We would stay up until 6 am on the weekends and talk about the stupidest things and I was just so happy that he considered me one of his friends. He was a decently popular guy in our class who talked to a lot different people, so I was excited that out of all of his friends, he chose to spend his Saturday night talking to me.
It wasn't tell about a month and a half that I realized, that's the only time he talks to me. Monday through Friday, I was invisible unless I said something to him first. Unless I went up to him, texted him, or called him, he wouldn't give me the time of day. So realizing this, I decided to do somewhat of an experiment, I decided to not say anything to him.
He didn't even notice until I decided to go up to him after 2 weeks and ask him why he didn't talk to me. He then would say that he was busy and he was sorry, that he would talk to me more and he would be there for me. This process went on most likely 4-5 more times.
I don't know what was wrong with me, but every time he apologized, I believed him. I believed that he was truly sorry, that he actually cared for me and wanted to be there for me. But I failed to realize that he never wanted to be my friend,he never wanted to hear about my problems, he never wanted to talk to me, he just wanted someone he could vent to when he felt like it. For months he treated me like shit, like I was someone he could throw away and pick back up again whenever he felt like using me again. He was by far the root of most of my fucked up problems.
He would always say that I wasn't replaceable, that I was special, that he would never have a better friend then me. So with all the bullshit he fed me, I went back to being his puppet. I would talk to him, and listen to his problems and try and make him feel better even when he didn't give me the time of day. Whenever I tried to share shit with him and open up to him about something that was so hard to talk about, I would always seem to just get "okay" and nothing more.
After awhile I just gave up. I was done feeling like shit because of him. Feeling like garbage, feeling like I was just something for his amusement.
A little while later, I'm talking to my mom about some stuff and he comes up. Now I would never tell her about any of the problems that go on in my head, but I told her about a "friend" of mine that was going through some stuff and some how she ends up giving me $200 dollars to give to this "friend" to make their load a little easier. Now, I'm faced with giving the guy who treated me like shit $200 dollars from my mother so that way he can have a little bit better of a life. Of course, I give him the money and he says thank you and everything and we part ways. I go back to not liking him, and he goes back to being ass that he is. Then one day, I get a text from him. Apologizing for everything he has done and wanting to be friends with me and wanting to have me as a friend because I was the best friend he would ever have. And I believed him. I believed the lying bastard because I had hope that he actually meant it.
Skipping ahead to about a year later, he decides to do this little fun thing called "roasting". Now, if you read the previous posts, I'm a pretty insecure girl, I have been since about 6th grade (that's a story for another time). So now this girl who is still insecure about herself and is trying to find a way to love herself and love how she looks, is now told by one of her friends to look on Instagram. Now this girl goes on Instagram and sees that this guy who claimed to be her friend, takes one of the few pictures she likes, and roasts her. This girl sees a long paragraph how she looks like the dog from Scooby-doo and a bunch of other shit about how ugly she was and all that. So now that same insecure girl who just spent an entire 8th grade year of being called a thot, a hoe, a slut, and a whore was now being called ugly by the person she thought was suppose to be her friend.
She wanted to cry so bad, she wanted to right then and there, but she didn't. Instead, she put in her head phones and tuned everything out. Until she got home of course. Then she found herself crying on her bedroom floor, asking herself why he did this. Why he choose to write that shit about her then post it online for everyone to see. Why he decided to wait till the end of the year, to wait until they were so close to graduating to do this. They were so close to leaving, so close to probably never seeing each other again. So why did he have to have that as a lasting impression. She wanted to know why he would do that to a "friend".
So a little over a month ago I went through what some might call a "heartbreak" and it wasn't the funiest (yes I know that's not a word) thing to go through. It's pretty ironic through, because I'm the one that ended the relationship but I still somehow got my heart broken. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of such a typical thing like a breakup, but bottom line, I felt like shit. I was consistently crying myself to sleep and just crying in general, and when it felt like nothing was going to come out, I would just lay in my bed completely paralyzed, thinking about the what ifs and what could've happened differently.
Recently I went on this trip and didn't have any cell service or wifi, I was going crazy. I never realized how much I used that for a distraction or used it in general. But during this trip I was basically left with only my thoughts and I went insane. Some days I would just sit somewhere and stare off into space hours on end just imagining the hypotheticals and thinking about how I would feel if something differently happened.
One day I got into a fight with one of my family members and I got really pissed off and stormed to the bathroom since that was the only place I could go that had a door. Some how I found myself crying, not because I was mad, but because the first thing I wanted to do was go to him. He was my first thought and I hated that. I hated the fact that whenever something happened in my life, good or bad, the first person I wanted to talk to or be with was him. All I wanted in that moment was him out of my head. He consumed so much of my time and I hated it. I knew he wasn't thinking about me, I knew he wasn't pondering and thinking about the same things that I was, so why should I.
About 10 minutes later I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, yet again, crying my eyes out pleading and begging for him to get out of my head, for me to stop thinking about him, for me to be free of the control he still had on me. About a week later (yesterday), my friend tells me that he has a girlfriend. Well she didn't really tell me but she said that he posted a picture of himself and this girl with a heart over it, or something like that, so she STRONGLY implied it. The funny thing is, even though I just had a break down about this guy a week ago, I didn't feel any type of pain about it. Personally, I thought I would end up crying about it or something, but I didn't.
All I did was blast my music for 20 minutes and started dancing my ass off in my front room. I don't really know why I did that, but it helped. I guess you could say I was ignoring the fact that he moved on but I don't think I was. I'm not saying that I'm fully over him yet, because I'm not, but apart of me is. A big part of me is over him and is happy that he's happy, but then there's that tiny part, that 25% of me that still has hope. That's the naive part of me, not a big fan of that part. Bottom line, I was okay with him having a girlfriend and I was okay that he no longer "loved" me. And I put the quotations over loved because that could be up for debate
Anyways, knowing myself, he is probably going to come to mind a couple times in the future, and I'll probably day dream about him every now and then, but I'm happy that I'm not as bad as I was. That even though I still have that 25%, I'm getting better, and I'm thinking about other guys then him. But I keep finding myself asking the same question, when will I truly be over him? Because yes it's not as bad as it used to be, and yes I'm thinking about other guys, but I'm ashamed to say that if he texted or called me right now and asked to get back together, I'd say yes.
I don't know what I am anymore. I wouldn't categorize it as depressed or sad but not happy either. I truly don't know what i am. I can laugh,joke,and have fun during the day, but at night I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel and it scares me so much. Will I always feel like this? So...empty?
I can't express this...The loss of confidence I once had in myself. It gave me a sense of meaning,purpose. And now, it's just gone. I lost something that I don't know how to get back. I cant even wear what I want to in my own home or it just makes me feel bad about myself, less than what I use to be. I can't express how this feels, to no longer have that part of you anymore.
People only know how I feel if I show them. If I look sad, it's because I don't care if you know that I'm sad. If I'm crying in front of you (which is rare), its because I'm not stopping myself from doing so. I don't like people doing more then I let them know, and I like it like that.
My friends try their best to make me happy whenever i'm feeling kind of shitty, expect I dont share much with them. After a certain period, I'll stop sharing with a person, even if that's all I use to do, I'll just stop.After a certain time I'll start to believe myself as a burden and I'll stop telling someone as much as I use to. If I keep coming to someone with my problems, then eventually they'll get tired of listening to them and I'll just be the girl that can't control herself. I don't want to be that girl, so I never give anyone the ability to feel that way so I stop sharing. After I decided that, it just becomes happy-go lucky from then on out.
Due to past experices, I realized that people aren't one for listening to youre problems. Eventually all they have left to say is "okay" after you've just poured your heart out. I refuse to get to the point with any of my friends. I don't want them to think of me as 'the girl thats always sad' or 'the girl that cries a lot'. I don't want to be labled that, but sadenly enough, that's my life. I do cry a lot, and recently, I've been some type of sad everyday.
I just want to be okay and I dont want to be like this. I want to be normal and I want to be happy and I want to be better but I'm not. I'm a fucked up girl who always finds a reason to hate herself or to hate something.I just want to be okay, i dont want to be broken.
I want to be fixed, but I have no one to help me.
If I can't deal with my problems, if it over whelms me so much that I physically feel like I'm going to burst, I just go to sleep. Of course when I wake up I have so deal with whatever problem it is, but sleeping gives me a momentary relief. It lets me dream about something, a what if, a possibility that seems better then what's going on. It allows me to escape from whatever shit hole I'm in.
Sleeping pushes off the inevitable of me having to deal with my problems,yes, but it's so satisfiying to being able to dream and imagine something better, to dream about the "light at the end of the tunnel". It some how reminds me that this isn't it, that even though it feels like I'm about to throw up my guts and I'm having a heart attack, it reminds me that i still have a life that I haven't lived. That no matter what pain I'm in, there's a chance it'll get better. And I need to rely on that chance.
The sucky thing is, I can't dream all day every day. So this feeling goes away as fast as it came.
Before High school I lost count of the amount of times that I ended up on the bathroom floor curled in a ball. And during high school it's only happened 7 times, and still counting. Earlier today makes 8, so 8 times and counting. Whether its me crying about a heartbreak or crying about the fact that I'm ugly (in my opinion), it's still been 8 times, but how much you wanna bet it's gonna be 10 times more by the end of this school year.
Typically when I have my sob fest in the bathroom its just me blasting music to the loudest it will go and me not even thinking. Me not even understanding why I'm actually crying. All I do is close my eyes and every painful thing that has happened slowly starts to come out. Tear by tear it starts to fade out of my head, clearing room far the rest of the fucked up things my head con-cocks on a daily basis.
However,this only works if the problem in my head is "treatable". What I mean by this is, this only works if it's something that doesn't effect my over-all mindset of myself. If it's not "treatable" then it will take a lot longer than one 30 minute session of pouring my eyes out to get rid of the problem.
To be completely honestly this was a horrible reference point. Crying in the bathroom has only happened 8 times because if I'm not in my room then it's the closest thing that's as private. I've cried in my room and myself to sleep more times in my life then I can even imagine. The bathroom is just the next best thing.
But so far I don't know the answer to this riveting question, but I really do wish I did.
I'm not a sharing kind of person. I don't open up to people, at least I didn't use to. It's hard to share to people about your inner demons. Mainly because they don't understand what it feels like. They realize that you're in pain, and the acknowledge the fact that you're hurting, but they can't do anything about it. They can't understand what goes through you're head, they don't realize why you feel a certain way because they have never gone through it. They don't have the demons telling them they aren't good enough, that don't share the same self-hate that use to be in you, they don't have the same experiences, so they'll never understand.
Sometimes I'm just in so much pain that I don't know what to do, so the only thing I have left to do is tell someone, and hope that they will say soemthing or do something that might help me in some type of way, but so far it's never happened.
I just wish I could find someone as fucked up as me so that way they can understand what does through my head, so they can understand