I destroy any and everything that is good for me, or that makes me feel good. I just ruin it. I turn a good thing into a bad one. I push people away. I find reasons for people to leave. I ruin everything that's good for me because I guess I don't think I deserve it. I don't really know why I do it, but I do. I ruin things. I destroy my happiness. I'm a morbid and diseased person. I try and stay positive and look on the bright side and be happy about things but that really never works out of me. I seem positive and act optimistic but im truly just a cynical,asshole of a person who tries to make herself seem better then she really is.
I don't deserve what I have, or what I think I have at least. The way I ruin things for myself is actually funny when I think about it. I take a person I care about, that might actually care about me, and I find and pinpoint everything they possibly hate about me and give my self reasons why. Then I take those reasons and convince myself that they're true. Making myself believe that that is how the person feels about me. I ruin things for myself because of how I see myself. This piece of shit person who isn't capable of having anyone care about them. This person who will forever be replaceable. A person who if died, people would mourn for a day, and then feel better. I am that person who doesn't mean that much to people.
Maybe I just care too much. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe that's why I expect things from people and it never comes. Maybe I just hope, and i wish that people cared as much as I did,or felt the same way as me, but they don't. Im always the person that cares to much. Whether it's the person i'm in a relationship with or its the friends that I've had or have, I'm always the one that cares too much.
"You're that has the most feelings rn and you're the one who that did the break up... amateur."
Never had a truer statement said to me. I hurt myself. My mind hurts me. My mind convinces me of things that are probably not true but to me I believe every word. I let myself hurt and I put myself through pain. I push the ones who care about me away, and I hurt myself by doing it.
I really am fucked up.