Ever since my little ass deflation, I've been just trying to be happy and positive. Embrace it and try and love what I have, hoping that It will get better. But now when I see it, It looks deflated. It looks disgusting in my eyes. It looks average. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being average, but I went from above average now to average. It was a demotion, and I still feel like shit about it. I know that it probably sounds so unbelievably trivial and stupid that I care about this and that something as small as ass size is making me feel like this, but it does. It makes me feel like I no longer matter. That I am yet again replaceable, that I am no different from anyone else in this world.
When I was younger, I had this friend. I considered him to be one of my best friends in the world. We would stay up until 6 am on the weekends and talk about the stupidest things and I was just so happy that he considered me one of his friends. He was a decently popular guy in our class who talked to a lot different people, so I was excited that out of all of his friends, he chose to spend his Saturday night talking to me.
It wasn't tell about a month and a half that I realized, that's the only time he talks to me. Monday through Friday, I was invisible unless I said something to him first. Unless I went up to him, texted him, or called him, he wouldn't give me the time of day. So realizing this, I decided to do somewhat of an experiment, I decided to not say anything to him.
He didn't even notice until I decided to go up to him after 2 weeks and ask him why he didn't talk to me. He then would say that he was busy and he was sorry, that he would talk to me more and he would be there for me. This process went on most likely 4-5 more times.
I don't know what was wrong with me, but every time he apologized, I believed him. I believed that he was truly sorry, that he actually cared for me and wanted to be there for me. But I failed to realize that he never wanted to be my friend,he never wanted to hear about my problems, he never wanted to talk to me, he just wanted someone he could vent to when he felt like it. For months he treated me like shit, like I was someone he could throw away and pick back up again whenever he felt like using me again. He was by far the root of most of my fucked up problems.
He would always say that I wasn't replaceable, that I was special, that he would never have a better friend then me. So with all the bullshit he fed me, I went back to being his puppet. I would talk to him, and listen to his problems and try and make him feel better even when he didn't give me the time of day. Whenever I tried to share shit with him and open up to him about something that was so hard to talk about, I would always seem to just get "okay" and nothing more.
After awhile I just gave up. I was done feeling like shit because of him. Feeling like garbage, feeling like I was just something for his amusement.
A little while later, I'm talking to my mom about some stuff and he comes up. Now I would never tell her about any of the problems that go on in my head, but I told her about a "friend" of mine that was going through some stuff and some how she ends up giving me $200 dollars to give to this "friend" to make their load a little easier. Now, I'm faced with giving the guy who treated me like shit $200 dollars from my mother so that way he can have a little bit better of a life. Of course, I give him the money and he says thank you and everything and we part ways. I go back to not liking him, and he goes back to being ass that he is. Then one day, I get a text from him. Apologizing for everything he has done and wanting to be friends with me and wanting to have me as a friend because I was the best friend he would ever have. And I believed him. I believed the lying bastard because I had hope that he actually meant it.
Skipping ahead to about a year later, he decides to do this little fun thing called "roasting". Now, if you read the previous posts, I'm a pretty insecure girl, I have been since about 6th grade (that's a story for another time). So now this girl who is still insecure about herself and is trying to find a way to love herself and love how she looks, is now told by one of her friends to look on Instagram. Now this girl goes on Instagram and sees that this guy who claimed to be her friend, takes one of the few pictures she likes, and roasts her. This girl sees a long paragraph how she looks like the dog from Scooby-doo and a bunch of other shit about how ugly she was and all that. So now that same insecure girl who just spent an entire 8th grade year of being called a thot, a hoe, a slut, and a whore was now being called ugly by the person she thought was suppose to be her friend.
She wanted to cry so bad, she wanted to right then and there, but she didn't. Instead, she put in her head phones and tuned everything out. Until she got home of course. Then she found herself crying on her bedroom floor, asking herself why he did this. Why he choose to write that shit about her then post it online for everyone to see. Why he decided to wait till the end of the year, to wait until they were so close to graduating to do this. They were so close to leaving, so close to probably never seeing each other again. So why did he have to have that as a lasting impression. She wanted to know why he would do that to a "friend".