The Girl That's Fucked Up
Five months ago I was dumped...broken up with, kicked to the curb, discarded...however you want to put it, I was heartbroken. I didn't want it to end but I lived with it, I got past it and I tried to move on. I moved on from him and "rebounded".
Three months after we broke up, I hopped into bed with my closest friend who ended it after two months. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have dated him, but it felt right at the time.
He was my best friend and knew me like no one else, I thought it would work out...After he ended it, our friendship went with it.
'Begging' for him to change his mind will definitely fall under the 'not my best moments' category,but I'm not one to give up easily. I may give up on an activity every now and again, but never on people. I try and do my best and do everything I can before I give up on any type of relationship with someone. Even though it was pathetic of me to 'beg', I don't regret it.
But why do I let so many post be about the same guy. The same broken heart...I'm guessing that's one or if not my biggest problem...my emotions, or at least my emotions for him.
I've asked for advice, my better half of me knows I shouldn't think nor feel this way, so why do I? Why do I feel this way about him?
Maybe I just need closure? Maybe I have so many unanswered questions it's hard for me to move on. But, I'm too much of a pussy to ever ask them. So what if I don't? What if I never ask those questions and get those answers, will it just take longer for me to get over him? Will it take longer for me to feel and be better?
These are such pathetic questions, but why shouldn't I be able to ask myself them?
June 18th marked the fifth month anniversary of when I got my heart broken, so why shouldn't I celebrate...Yippy for me!
The secrets a friend keeps hold the bond together. Without secrets what do you have? A person you talk to on a daily/weekly basis if that.A person who you talk to occasionally? That's more like an acquaintance than a friend, right? Sometimes the friend that was once a stranger is now a stranger again. Being pushed out little by little creates the stranger you once knew. Being pushed out makes someone pull away, pull away from those they once felt close to, to questioning everything they do, so they don't appear annoying. Pulling away is a lot better than being pushed out. It's easier to do the breaking then to be broken, right? It's better to fuck someone else so you can protect yourself, to help yourself.
Should I run away and back off? Or am I expecting too much and just want too much inclusion? Am I being too needy? Do I just want more than I should get? Maybe I am...maybe I am too needy, and I want too much attention and maybe there is something wrong with me. That's why the boys I want leave, the friends I've have go away. Maybe I just have to change. To take a step back and realize why people are leaving, and realize that it's not them it's me.
-Stop being such a smart ass
-Stop being so sarcastic
-Stop asking to have/borrow things
-Leave things be and don't ask to know something more than once
-Stop being so curious
-Learn to be okay with not having anyone to talk to
-Get used to just having me and no one else
Maybe this is my list, maybe these are the things I need to work on to succeed in my relationships, romantic and friendships. I need to work on myself and take the hints the universe is giving me...
Fix the Needy Bitch Inside to be Happy.
For the life of me I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I'm a 16 year old going into junior year of high school with no plans or goals. Before I had some, I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, but now... not so much. This post may be a little all over the place because I have a lot on my mind and don't really know what I just say or write, just that I want to write.
As I look at this blog I kinda wonder if this is working or helping me in any way. If the reason I'm writing this and keeping this blog will help me or anyone else.
I see that people are viewing my site, and it's kind of shocking. I didn't really think anyone gave a shit about what I had to say, but maybe it's not what I have to say but that I'm saying it. I don't know who views my site and why you do but, thank you. It was odd for me to put a public diary out for the world to see,but I guess its helpful for me, and maybe thats why you view it, because i's helping you too. I don't know if anyone who reads what i have to say go through things similar to me or if what I have to say entertains you, but I guess I'm glad to know you read it.
I have always liked to write. I would write short stories or novels but never finish them. I have just always enjoyed creating or conjuring a life of someone else or even reading someone else life. Books give meaning and so does writing, and it allows you to escape from your own problems and focusing on someone elses, giving you a distraction, that's why I never really thought I'd enjoy writing about my self or my problems but here I am. I don't post much and I guess you could take that as I good sign. A sign that perhaps my life is going well and I don't have any problems, but maybe one of my problems is that I only write about the bad and not the good. I rarely post anything about something good in my life, something meaningful, but I should.
My initial post wasn't really about my site or those who view it, but I guess I'll save it for another time. Until then, maybe I'll spruce the site up and give those unique visitors a change.
I guess its okay. It's okay for people to outgrow you. It doesn't always feel the greatest,but at the end of the day you know it was for the best.
In the past I have rarely been hurt by relationships. Boyfriends haven't really ever hurt me or scared me in some way, they have always been fairly good. However, friendships. Friendships are usually the things that have fucked me up. Friends are usually the ones who hurt me,who stab me in the back,who get rid of me,who leave scars,and who damage me. And the said thing is, i let them... They're suppose to be my friend, so I let them in, I open up, and more often times then not they leave. Because of this I don't get as surprised as before when they do eventually leave. I know it won't last long, it's just a matter of time until I'm replaced or discarded or thrown aside for someone else, someone better.
The scars from my friendships always find a way to come into play in my relationships. They seep through and play a part in ruining a good relationship.
Right Now, I don't really know how many good friends I actually have. Two of my closet friends don't go to the same school as me so they aren't able to adhere to my daily problems or insecurities. The close friends I thought I had, have each other more than they have me. I'm the third man out.I don't mean as much as I use to. They treat me the same, but the little things out weigh the big ones. They laugh at my jokes or my stupidity,they talk to me about the past,they listen to what I have to say, they tell me stories, and they act like everything is the same. But it really isn't.
Whether they see it or not, they also leave me to hang with each other, they care more about being with one another than me, they hide things from me and share only between them, they have their own secrets, and they care more about the friendship of one another than with me. It hurts to be kicked out, it hurts to be left, but thats the story of my life.
They're there for each other. No matter how many times they'll tell me it's not true, or it's all in my head, I've been through it before. I see the changes, no matter how small, and its always the small things that pile up and make it a big one.
I understand I'm not the easiest person. I'm difficult, i'm a headache, and I'm frustrating. Every now and then i just hope I;m worth it.
But on the bright side, at least I'm the backup. I'd rather be the backup friend who they come to only when they're alone then to not have any friends at all.
*FYI theres going to be a lot of sarcastic parts in this, so you have to figure it out
What 14 and 15 girl doesn't want to be scared in her own home. What girl doesn't want to feel like she has to lock her doors before going to sleep so that way she doesn't wake up to someone standing over her bed at night. I thought every girl wanted that....
My father doesn't have a family besides his immediate. He has 6 siblings who half are insane and the other half only talk to him so he can give him money, including his mother. Along with this my father had a rough life growing up, but luckily he could count his friend of 47 years, who he thinks of as a brother. My uncle Derek.
Now, since he thought of Derek as a brother that would make his son my fathers nephew. Since they were basically family, they would come over all the time.They would hand out with us at graduation parties and barbecues and every cliche family event you could think of.
Between 14 and 15 my fathers nephew molested me a numerous amount of times in my own home.
I was never so scared to live in this house until he would come over. Never scared to go to sleep until he would spend the night with my brother.Never purposely but myself against a wall until he walked past.
Me telling him to stop never seemed to click with him.I guess I was an easy target. I was 14 he was 17, then I was 15 and he was 18. He weighted an easy 150 pounds more then me. Intimidating in every way and on every level. So I just took it.
I took whatever he did... Thankfully it never got too bad. Ya know, only some touching here and there. And only trying to touch me in my sleep just a couple of times, ya know stuff like that. Nothing too bad... Funny enough though, I blamed myself for it.Thought it was my fault. Thought i tempted him to do this in some way. Crying myself to sleep thinking that I deserved this. That I led him on...Took me awhile to realize it wasn't.
I knew that if I told my father, he would kill him. Meaning my father wouldn't have anyone. He would be left with the people who hasn't cared about him since he was a kid. He would be left with the family that only comes to beg. I didn't want him to have that. So I just took it until he finally stopped.
Which evidently enough was this year....
I recently learned that my mother thinks I've never been through pain. Well little does she know.
I destroy any and everything that is good for me, or that makes me feel good. I just ruin it. I turn a good thing into a bad one. I push people away. I find reasons for people to leave. I ruin everything that's good for me because I guess I don't think I deserve it. I don't really know why I do it, but I do. I ruin things. I destroy my happiness. I'm a morbid and diseased person. I try and stay positive and look on the bright side and be happy about things but that really never works out of me. I seem positive and act optimistic but im truly just a cynical,asshole of a person who tries to make herself seem better then she really is.
I don't deserve what I have, or what I think I have at least. The way I ruin things for myself is actually funny when I think about it. I take a person I care about, that might actually care about me, and I find and pinpoint everything they possibly hate about me and give my self reasons why. Then I take those reasons and convince myself that they're true. Making myself believe that that is how the person feels about me. I ruin things for myself because of how I see myself. This piece of shit person who isn't capable of having anyone care about them. This person who will forever be replaceable. A person who if died, people would mourn for a day, and then feel better. I am that person who doesn't mean that much to people.
Maybe I just care too much. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe that's why I expect things from people and it never comes. Maybe I just hope, and i wish that people cared as much as I did,or felt the same way as me, but they don't. Im always the person that cares to much. Whether it's the person i'm in a relationship with or its the friends that I've had or have, I'm always the one that cares too much.
"You're that has the most feelings rn and you're the one who that did the break up... amateur."
Never had a truer statement said to me. I hurt myself. My mind hurts me. My mind convinces me of things that are probably not true but to me I believe every word. I let myself hurt and I put myself through pain. I push the ones who care about me away, and I hurt myself by doing it.
I really am fucked up.
Mosquitoes repellant is used to ward away mosquitoes. Something most humans aren't found of. Sad to say, we don't have this for people we don't like,instead we simply just ignore them or tell them off and hope they get the message. Typically, people choose option A for me. I'm more of the type of person people just ignore and hope they take a hint. I've taken the hint a lot.
Whenever I talk to people, they like me, well at least I think they do. I don't know why but it seems like they do. However this isn't something that last for very long. From past experience we're good for about a week to two weeks and then they promptly cut all communication. I'm not the type of person that needs their friends to text and talk to them everyday, but I don't mind it. In the week or two that we are "friends" we talk everyday, all day. We talk about nonsense to what we would do if we were the last two people on earth. Now of course I don't do this with all my friends, it just happens with the new ones. I don't really mind it, I actually kind of like it. Makes me feel less alone.
Now I don't want to put down my current friends because they are a lot of who I am as a person and I don't know what I'd be without them, but it's not like I talk to them 24/7, I see them and talk to them whenever. And I don't expect them to talk to me all the time, that would be insane, but that doesn't take away from the times in which I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel lonely.
With these new friends, for some reason they like talking to me, it becomes almost a routine, even if we don't have shit to talk about, we still talk. But then, I guess they just get bored of me, and we stop talking every day, we just stop talking. That's how I know the difference between an acquaintance and a friend, because friends don't just leave.
My recent theory however shows that in between a week or two, I become annoying and lose any remnants of fun. I become the person that keeps texting you, the person that won't go away, so eventually I get it, I take a hint, and I stop. It's become a routine. How am I suppose to define what fun is if I'm not even a fun person. If I'm not even close to knowing what a good time is. I don't know how not to be "dry" and boring. I just become a nusciane, I become something that people don't want to be around.
Why am I so antisocial? Why don't I don't talk to people? It's not because I'm scared, but because I know it won't last. And I'm not one to waste my time.
The first time you see them, is the hardest. You are flooded with emotions that you don't know how to deal with. You've crossed a thresh hold from being together, and being each others "everything" to being almost strangers.
The second time is hard, but not as hard as the first. You recognize them, how different they look but not physically. In some ways you can see them happier, full of life. In others, they can be sulky, sadder. But either way, you convince yourself this is for the best. Whether you ended it or he did, you convince yourself it is for the better, because you will both be happier one day.
The third time is easier. You are past the shock of him, and you have seen how they have changed. Now, you look at the full picture. You see they're better, you see they've moved on, you see the truth in whats happened.
The fourth time, you just don't see him at all. Yes, you physically see him, but it doesn't register. Its like you're an empty vessel just standing, just staring at this guy you once loved walk past like a stranger. Yes, before that day you would've thought that would've been impossible to feel that way, but it isn't.
Why is it, that everything that I think about its traced back to this? Why does it all end up here? It ends up to this point of pure pitifulness.Whenever I raise my expectation, It always gets crushed down. Why do I have such high walls with my feelings? Because whenever I let them down it always come back and bites me in the ass. I try and convince myself of the things that I can't realize are true, but it never works. Instead I believe and I hope for the good, but it's never good.
I am delusional. I am killing myself with this 25% that just seems to keep getting bigger and bigger. I am overthinking all the time, I am hoping all the time, it literally does me no good. I'm convinced that there is a bigger meaning to it, but their isn't. It's all in my head. I convinced myself of something that I shouldn't, and now I have to rectify it. I was so blinded by the 25% and the hope it gave me, that I completely missed the big picture of it all. I completely missed every fact that there is about the situation. All I am is delusional. None of what I think is real, none of what I feel is reciprocated. Its all in my head.
I have diagnosed myself with the condition of overthinking.It's a condition that most teenage girls face, and sadly I have a severe case of it. When me and ex broke up, as you know, I was a wreck. So when he wanted to be friends,I wasn't very keen on the idea. It was too hard to be friends with him, because then everything he said or everything that happened I would overthink it. He would say one thing and I would think it meant another. I was feeding that 25% of me.
After about 3 days of trying out the friend thing, I eventually told him that I couldn't do it.
For some reason I never deleted our text thread, so this is exactly what I said: "I know that to you this probably won't be a big deal or whatever, but we can't really be friends. You might think that you're just being nice and you are, its just I can't talk to you and be friends with you, because every step I take forward one day, I take two steps back when we talk. I want to try to move on from you and I can't if you compliment my photo or ask how I'm doing because then I start to hope and think things that I shouldn't and there isn't a point to it. And it's not like I'm saying we have to be assholes to each other, we just can't do the whole friend thing."
After I said that he was okay with it and we didn't talk afterwards. Well except for the occasional text he would send asking me a question about something that only I would know, but other than that, nothing. So imagine my surprise when I glance down at my phone and see a text from him. Now I didn't really know what to think, so of course my first reaction is to think that he texted me to brag about his new girlfriend or something (he's not the kind of guy to do that, my brain just goes straight for the worst case scenario).
Looking at the message he says "I have a question." Now of course my head now goes to the optimistic 25% of me, but then drops back down to the worst case scenario when he asks if I still have his hoodie.So now I'm thinking he's going to ask for it back to give to his new girlfriend.Now that wouldn't be awkward. But the answer is yes, I do. I wasn't sure how to give it back. After me stating this oh so fasciating fact, he some how moves to the topic of me looking different the last time he saw me at this fast food place. So I decide to play dumb saying I didn't see him. Then he says something that I didn't expect. He was hiding from me. Why? Why was he hiding from me? If anything I should've been hiding from him! He proceeds to tell me it was because he wasn't sure how to act since we weren't able to be friends. He had a point. Personally I wouldn't know what to do if I ran into someone that didn't want to be my friend. But anyways, I tell him that its okay. I was in a bad place when I said that and its okay if he wants to be friends.
Now I was expecting a lot of different things to happen after I said this, but him saying "Thank god" was not one of them. What the hell is that suppose to mean? Did he actually want to be friends with me?
Now here I am, overthinking this miniature statement and freaking myself out. Frankly this could all just be some random joke and I'll probably end up never talking to him again. But either way, I wouldn't even know how to be friends with my condition.
I'm not going to lie, it's been awhile since I can recall being completely and utterly happy with nothing bad that recently happened in my life. It's been awhile since I felt complete and felt happy to be me. Even though that's how it is
No natter what happens, no matter what I know, no matter how far I've come, feelings just fuck the shit up. Why, why does it do that? How come in my head I'm okay, in my head I'm so close to being over him, in my head he is the furthest thing, but once I see him, none of it fucking matters. Granted, I haven't seen him since we broke up, but still, I shouldn't have a mini heat attack and almost have a complete freak out the first time I see him. funny this is, I didn't even fully see him! I saw part of him in my peripheral vision, it's not like I saw him face to face but for some reason I still felt like I was going to through up.
I fucking hate this, I fucking this feeling shit. Even when I don't think I don't like him anymore, feelings come right back and bites me in the ass..
the funny fucked up thing is, I know for a fact he doesn't think about me anymore. I know for a fact he has moved on. And Ik he doesn't feel this kind of shit and it's makes it so much worse. I am so unbelievably pathetic for thinking this kind of stuff, and Ik he doesn't. He wastes no time on me and I don't know why I do on him.
Ever since my little ass deflation, I've been just trying to be happy and positive. Embrace it and try and love what I have, hoping that It will get better. But now when I see it, It looks deflated. It looks disgusting in my eyes. It looks average. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being average, but I went from above average now to average. It was a demotion, and I still feel like shit about it. I know that it probably sounds so unbelievably trivial and stupid that I care about this and that something as small as ass size is making me feel like this, but it does. It makes me feel like I no longer matter. That I am yet again replaceable, that I am no different from anyone else in this world.
When I was younger, I had this friend. I considered him to be one of my best friends in the world. We would stay up until 6 am on the weekends and talk about the stupidest things and I was just so happy that he considered me one of his friends. He was a decently popular guy in our class who talked to a lot different people, so I was excited that out of all of his friends, he chose to spend his Saturday night talking to me.
It wasn't tell about a month and a half that I realized, that's the only time he talks to me. Monday through Friday, I was invisible unless I said something to him first. Unless I went up to him, texted him, or called him, he wouldn't give me the time of day. So realizing this, I decided to do somewhat of an experiment, I decided to not say anything to him.
He didn't even notice until I decided to go up to him after 2 weeks and ask him why he didn't talk to me. He then would say that he was busy and he was sorry, that he would talk to me more and he would be there for me. This process went on most likely 4-5 more times.
I don't know what was wrong with me, but every time he apologized, I believed him. I believed that he was truly sorry, that he actually cared for me and wanted to be there for me. But I failed to realize that he never wanted to be my friend,he never wanted to hear about my problems, he never wanted to talk to me, he just wanted someone he could vent to when he felt like it. For months he treated me like shit, like I was someone he could throw away and pick back up again whenever he felt like using me again. He was by far the root of most of my fucked up problems.
He would always say that I wasn't replaceable, that I was special, that he would never have a better friend then me. So with all the bullshit he fed me, I went back to being his puppet. I would talk to him, and listen to his problems and try and make him feel better even when he didn't give me the time of day. Whenever I tried to share shit with him and open up to him about something that was so hard to talk about, I would always seem to just get "okay" and nothing more.
After awhile I just gave up. I was done feeling like shit because of him. Feeling like garbage, feeling like I was just something for his amusement.
A little while later, I'm talking to my mom about some stuff and he comes up. Now I would never tell her about any of the problems that go on in my head, but I told her about a "friend" of mine that was going through some stuff and some how she ends up giving me $200 dollars to give to this "friend" to make their load a little easier. Now, I'm faced with giving the guy who treated me like shit $200 dollars from my mother so that way he can have a little bit better of a life. Of course, I give him the money and he says thank you and everything and we part ways. I go back to not liking him, and he goes back to being ass that he is. Then one day, I get a text from him. Apologizing for everything he has done and wanting to be friends with me and wanting to have me as a friend because I was the best friend he would ever have. And I believed him. I believed the lying bastard because I had hope that he actually meant it.
Skipping ahead to about a year later, he decides to do this little fun thing called "roasting". Now, if you read the previous posts, I'm a pretty insecure girl, I have been since about 6th grade (that's a story for another time). So now this girl who is still insecure about herself and is trying to find a way to love herself and love how she looks, is now told by one of her friends to look on Instagram. Now this girl goes on Instagram and sees that this guy who claimed to be her friend, takes one of the few pictures she likes, and roasts her. This girl sees a long paragraph how she looks like the dog from Scooby-doo and a bunch of other shit about how ugly she was and all that. So now that same insecure girl who just spent an entire 8th grade year of being called a thot, a hoe, a slut, and a whore was now being called ugly by the person she thought was suppose to be her friend.
She wanted to cry so bad, she wanted to right then and there, but she didn't. Instead, she put in her head phones and tuned everything out. Until she got home of course. Then she found herself crying on her bedroom floor, asking herself why he did this. Why he choose to write that shit about her then post it online for everyone to see. Why he decided to wait till the end of the year, to wait until they were so close to graduating to do this. They were so close to leaving, so close to probably never seeing each other again. So why did he have to have that as a lasting impression. She wanted to know why he would do that to a "friend".
So a little over a month ago I went through what some might call a "heartbreak" and it wasn't the funiest (yes I know that's not a word) thing to go through. It's pretty ironic through, because I'm the one that ended the relationship but I still somehow got my heart broken. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of such a typical thing like a breakup, but bottom line, I felt like shit. I was consistently crying myself to sleep and just crying in general, and when it felt like nothing was going to come out, I would just lay in my bed completely paralyzed, thinking about the what ifs and what could've happened differently.
Recently I went on this trip and didn't have any cell service or wifi, I was going crazy. I never realized how much I used that for a distraction or used it in general. But during this trip I was basically left with only my thoughts and I went insane. Some days I would just sit somewhere and stare off into space hours on end just imagining the hypotheticals and thinking about how I would feel if something differently happened.
One day I got into a fight with one of my family members and I got really pissed off and stormed to the bathroom since that was the only place I could go that had a door. Some how I found myself crying, not because I was mad, but because the first thing I wanted to do was go to him. He was my first thought and I hated that. I hated the fact that whenever something happened in my life, good or bad, the first person I wanted to talk to or be with was him. All I wanted in that moment was him out of my head. He consumed so much of my time and I hated it. I knew he wasn't thinking about me, I knew he wasn't pondering and thinking about the same things that I was, so why should I.
About 10 minutes later I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, yet again, crying my eyes out pleading and begging for him to get out of my head, for me to stop thinking about him, for me to be free of the control he still had on me. About a week later (yesterday), my friend tells me that he has a girlfriend. Well she didn't really tell me but she said that he posted a picture of himself and this girl with a heart over it, or something like that, so she STRONGLY implied it. The funny thing is, even though I just had a break down about this guy a week ago, I didn't feel any type of pain about it. Personally, I thought I would end up crying about it or something, but I didn't.
All I did was blast my music for 20 minutes and started dancing my ass off in my front room. I don't really know why I did that, but it helped. I guess you could say I was ignoring the fact that he moved on but I don't think I was. I'm not saying that I'm fully over him yet, because I'm not, but apart of me is. A big part of me is over him and is happy that he's happy, but then there's that tiny part, that 25% of me that still has hope. That's the naive part of me, not a big fan of that part. Bottom line, I was okay with him having a girlfriend and I was okay that he no longer "loved" me. And I put the quotations over loved because that could be up for debate
Anyways, knowing myself, he is probably going to come to mind a couple times in the future, and I'll probably day dream about him every now and then, but I'm happy that I'm not as bad as I was. That even though I still have that 25%, I'm getting better, and I'm thinking about other guys then him. But I keep finding myself asking the same question, when will I truly be over him? Because yes it's not as bad as it used to be, and yes I'm thinking about other guys, but I'm ashamed to say that if he texted or called me right now and asked to get back together, I'd say yes.