The Girl That's Fucked Up
So a little over a month ago I went through what some might call a "heartbreak" and it wasn't the funiest (yes I know that's not a word) thing to go through. It's pretty ironic through, because I'm the one that ended the relationship but I still somehow got my heart broken. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of such a typical thing like a breakup, but bottom line, I felt like shit. I was consistently crying myself to sleep and just crying in general, and when it felt like nothing was going to come out, I would just lay in my bed completely paralyzed, thinking about the what ifs and what could've happened differently.
Recently I went on this trip and didn't have any cell service or wifi, I was going crazy. I never realized how much I used that for a distraction or used it in general. But during this trip I was basically left with only my thoughts and I went insane. Some days I would just sit somewhere and stare off into space hours on end just imagining the hypotheticals and thinking about how I would feel if something differently happened.
One day I got into a fight with one of my family members and I got really pissed off and stormed to the bathroom since that was the only place I could go that had a door. Some how I found myself crying, not because I was mad, but because the first thing I wanted to do was go to him. He was my first thought and I hated that. I hated the fact that whenever something happened in my life, good or bad, the first person I wanted to talk to or be with was him. All I wanted in that moment was him out of my head. He consumed so much of my time and I hated it. I knew he wasn't thinking about me, I knew he wasn't pondering and thinking about the same things that I was, so why should I.
About 10 minutes later I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, yet again, crying my eyes out pleading and begging for him to get out of my head, for me to stop thinking about him, for me to be free of the control he still had on me. About a week later (yesterday), my friend tells me that he has a girlfriend. Well she didn't really tell me but she said that he posted a picture of himself and this girl with a heart over it, or something like that, so she STRONGLY implied it. The funny thing is, even though I just had a break down about this guy a week ago, I didn't feel any type of pain about it. Personally, I thought I would end up crying about it or something, but I didn't.
All I did was blast my music for 20 minutes and started dancing my ass off in my front room. I don't really know why I did that, but it helped. I guess you could say I was ignoring the fact that he moved on but I don't think I was. I'm not saying that I'm fully over him yet, because I'm not, but apart of me is. A big part of me is over him and is happy that he's happy, but then there's that tiny part, that 25% of me that still has hope. That's the naive part of me, not a big fan of that part. Bottom line, I was okay with him having a girlfriend and I was okay that he no longer "loved" me. And I put the quotations over loved because that could be up for debate
Anyways, knowing myself, he is probably going to come to mind a couple times in the future, and I'll probably day dream about him every now and then, but I'm happy that I'm not as bad as I was. That even though I still have that 25%, I'm getting better, and I'm thinking about other guys then him. But I keep finding myself asking the same question, when will I truly be over him? Because yes it's not as bad as it used to be, and yes I'm thinking about other guys, but I'm ashamed to say that if he texted or called me right now and asked to get back together, I'd say yes.